I sit in many married peoples’ meetings listening to women talk about sex and really wonder why our boys won’t behave as starved brats sometimes when it comes to sex. Older women counsel younger women suggesting that they should give their husband sex to calm their nerves or even avoid trouble at home. Its been quite disturbing as it portrayed men as greatly in need of sex for the wrong reasons, making sex a tool in the hands of women to discipline or control them. My bigger concern however is how men themselves feel about sex. Sometimes they appear really helpless, as their bodies suggest their cravings. Given this observation, I should just accept the situation as I see and experience it. Yet my inward parts cringe and continue to rebel against this disturbing state of helplessness seeking an understanding more urbane than my observation seem to suggest.
I really wondered as I grew up for a long time if women do desire genuinely sex for their own satisfaction sometimes or if it was all about satisfying men and by so doing controlling them. I was pleasantly surprised as I interacted more with women of several cultures and found that there was a deep sense of need also in them concerning sex, in fact some really complain about not being satisfied sexually. I wondered, why should women want satisfaction if they really were sex neutral? I particularly think that Sex is indeed mysterious and needs to be understood to avoid the confusion about the idea, which misleads how we use or misuse something so beautiful. It amuses me how the somewhat simple activity of sex leaves such a profound feeling in the participant, complicated outcomes that bind (like children) with commitments and a sense of responsibility to each other that could be overwhelming with consequence. Why should such a beautiful feeling made to be enjoyed, remain so monopolistic and exclusive in concept? Why should such a beautiful experience be used as enterprise (prostitution), violence (rape) and a tool used to control others and whip men especially and women sometimes into line? I want to speak to men today and share my thoughts as women stand by and watch, who knows they may like the idea.
Husbands, sex is something you give not something you receive. It is an expression of your love and fellowship to your wife, which should be mutually enjoyed. It is for this reason you eagerly love to have sex as often as you have the opportunity and you enjoy it. Sometimes this fellowship is so important that you create opportunity and space for it. You don't demand for it as many of us have been cultured to believe, you give it. As a giver therefore you should not pay for what you give, which is what is commonly called prostitution neither do you access it by force or violence, which is what rape is about. Think about it.
Because sex is a gift from us, tailor made for our wives, our wives should receive it with thanksgiving as often as it is given. When you do give it though remember, that the value of an offering is measured by the receiver and not the giver so give sex with the pleasure of your partner in mind. Men, I understand why you are joyfully exhausted afterwards because you are giving from the intensity of yourselves. It is the full expression of the assurance of our commitment to them. Our wives should gladly receive this commitment, underscored by our firmness and extreme focus as their anatomy rightly suggests. It is not a benefit given to you men or something with which you can be punished or whipped into line.
Sometimes, our environment, understanding, biases, circumstances, beliefs make it difficult for us to receive God's gift and love. The wife is not different when she sometimes says “I am too tired for sex” or “No I don’t want sex” or sometimes even “leave me alone tonight”. The challenges of life, pressures from relationships sometimes becloud the minds of our wives from good when it comes. Men, show some understanding therefore. When these kinds of responses come from our wives, we need to work it a little more by performing some “miracles” like God will do. When God does miracles, we become glad, receptive and responsive again to His love. We also must perform miracles like making our wives see that we are their shield and protective covering from the storms of life, their exceeding great reward from God and the one whose support lifts up their head in confident pride, their provider (aka ATM machine), emotional backbone and the one that affirms them as beautiful, acceptable and valuable (despite the knowledge that make up, body magic and Brazilian hair is really what is on display). This is what it means to be a man and I believe this is what God meant when He said Husbands, love your wife and give yourself up for her.