Last week ended with the horrific story of a man, a husband and father that had murdered his wife, a woman and a mother whilst they had an argument. Of course he absconded, if this was pre-mediated or accidental, hopefully law enforcement will give us closure.
I detest violence of any sort, domestic or public. However, sometimes I wonder what makes people react the way they do. Was Lekan (the man in question) filled with so much hate for his wife or was he responding to a stimulus, and if he was, how much of it has been thrown at him?
Perhaps he was filled with hate, typical male chauvinist and being a Nigerian, a society where women and wives most especially are expected to be sub servient to their husbands and so believes in his sovereignty to force her to submission, after all she is his wife, a priced property. Heard of cases where the police would excuse themselves from incidents of domestic violence most especially if the woman is the one reporting. Lest I forget the family members, on both sides, the wife’s family who says ‘’he is your husband, father of your children…, once you are married you can’t come back to this house’’ further fostering the feeling of helplessness. Or the husband’s family who are simply sympathetic bystanders musing at how large your heart is to put up with their son.
Now Mr Lekan has turned himself in and his side of the story…, let’s just say he showed up with a nuclear weapon to a knife fight.
I am more interested in the women, (wives) how and why do they stay enduring so much physical and verbal abuse? This is not a remote incident, a lot of young girls have boyfriends who beat them up and much to my chagrin I have heard some of them say “but I love him’’ amidst tears after getting a proper beat up and make excuses for their (boyfriends’) action, it’s almost as if getting beat up is how they reaffirm the love they have.
Its two sides to this coin however, men suffer abuse too!!! If Mr Lekan’s story has any word of truth in it, i.e. overheard his wife discussing how good the sex she had with her lover was on the phone…, well What Will Jesus Do? Some women are equally cantankerous, the type you get into an argument with and empties the trash can on your bed…, what do you do if you find yourself caught up in a heated argument and you can see it degenerating progressively into violence? I mean your husband/wife is not a stranger so you should know based on their historic behaviour how this will go down.
Take the high road and walk away from that location either you are the man or the woman. In a fit of rage, you find your actions justifiable, but it is never so after, the damage often caused is irreparable. And it’s not just in action, choose to not tear down what you have built over the years with hurtful words simply because you can use anger as an excuse and them say sorry later. That joke is true, the broken pieces of a glass cup don’t come back after you smash it on the floor regardless of the number of apologies or how sincerely sorry you are.
Now it appears Mr Lekan is going to be sincerely docked whilst his wife remains sincerely dead, a loose-loose scenario.
Relationships are not and should never be vehicles of abuse. Many times it is our insistence on the fact that we are right and the other person is wrong that causes our relationship to disintegrate, the objective of coming together should supersede the rightness or correctness of either party in time, it is respect for that objective that keeps the relationship going, which is why you will swallow your pride and take the high road. There is no need fighting if the only trophy to be won is gratification for your ego most especially if the opportunity (real) cost for that trophy is your relationship.
Like Stephen R Covey once said between a stimulus and a response is a split second, what you choose to do in that split second determines your destiny. The key is to practice and meditate on your response regularly and long before the stimulus, this is why provisions for defaults are made when drawing contracts and business agreements, we make provision for conflict settlement when we are all still sane and during peace time, war time is not when you decide your response, you will surely be responding erroneously.
The key learning here is regardless of who you are and the situation you find yourself,always choose to take the high road and walk away knowing that the objective of acquiring the relationship in the first place supersedes your need to win the argument let alone allowing it to degenerate to an altercation, and if you are going to argue, keep it around the talking point, tact they say is making your point without creating an enemy. It is really hard to argue with someone that is not talking back and almost insane to fight with someone walking away. Practice your response well ahead of time, let it be the centre of your meditation, keep it in the midst of your mind because in it lies your destiny.